So I promised I'd explain the previous journal, so I'm laying it out.

April 23, 2006, I clicked the random deviation button here on good ol' dA - and what came up was a completely insane skit written by (now ). It was fun, bat shit loco, and I loved it. I commented, started looking through the other parts, gallery browsing as you do, and decided to watch her. So started something pretty incredible, to say the least.

The usual, we started talking on here, noting and commenting, she thought I was a good writer (lies) and so commented on my stuff, we were communicating. We became friends pretty fast, as much as you can online, and we started talking to eachother about life stuff, problems and things going on, and we grew closer and closer. After about a year, we called each other brother and sister, we were close enough to share a lot of things, we got really close, especially at our respective ages, where we were both changing and maturing so much, it was great to have a person I didn't 'know' to go to with things. she even made my fan club

Long story short, August 4th 2007, she told me she was beginning to have feelings for me, and this scared the everloving shit out of me. I had worries about every single aspect of this idea, not least because I'd begun to feel similarly. For five months I messed her around, knowing I had feelings for her, but not acting on them, thinking I liked other people, generally being a huge coward, and hating myself for it. But then, on 17th December 2007, I realised just how cowardly I was being, and asked her out. She said yes.

Now whether anyone reading this considers it a 'real' relationship or not, really doesn't matter. We grew as people and as a couple, we had our ups and downs, we had an extremely short split, we went through a lot, individually and together, but at the end of the day, we were there for eachother. We spoke on the phone, I spoke to her mum a few times, we helped eachother best we could, slowly took our steps as an online couple, and took things a day at a time - and through all this, I really can't begin to tell you how much she meant to me. It ended up that I never felt like we'd never met. Us being together was as natural as breathing, and as necessary.

Again, long story short, 13th of June 2009, we met for the first time, me flying to America. As you can imagine, I was ever so slightly nervous (read: Terrified), mainly scared that she wouldn't like me visually - I pretty much act online as I do in person, so if she liked me there, she'd like me irl, but it's the 'in person' thing I was scared of. I stepped off the plane, and there she was, behind the glass in Kansas City airport, waiting for me. And she smiled. I've never felt so calm in my entire life. Every single last worry, fear and anxiety I had just disappeared. I knew that whatever happened, things were gonna turn out ok.

And that feeling only grew every day I was there. Yes I made mistakes, I was too clingy, tried to be too much, the usual things really when getting used to a situation, but...through it all I began to realise that...this wasn't just an online thing. It wasn't a teen hormone thing, a loneliness thing, whatever. You hear people talk about their 'first true love' and...well...she was it. I saw that. And whereas I'd worried about her not liking me or whatever, I now worried about leaving her behind. I just didn't want to do it. Given the choice, I'd have stayed.

Getting on that plane after 10 days was...a challenge, to say the least. It was...really, really hard. It was like leaving part of myself in America, tearing myself in half. But it made one thing clear - everything I'd thought about her being special, about wanting this to last, about a future, wasn't just taking things a step too far. It confirmed every feeling I had, and made it abundantly clear that I wanted to be hers for much longer yet.

And now I'm back home. We're back to emails, messenger and the telephone, and it makes me realise exactly what we've managed to make it this far. Things are so different online - a statement I know is blatantly obvious. Words have different meanings, things can be said that don't seem to carry an ounce of sincerity or passion, when if they were said in person they'd convey a lifetime of feelings. Worst of all? I can't do anything. If she was upset when I was there, I'd let her talk it through, hold her - when I'm here, I can use hug emotes and give out the image of paying as much attention to her as a straight man pays attention in a gay-bar (excuse the analogy, it's 4:30 here). It's tough, but then again, it wasn't going to be anything else. I'm just glad she wants to keep this going as much as I do.

Because, honestly? She could very well be 'the one'. In fact, I deeply hope she is.

Things are only gonna get tougher from here on out, she's going through loads at the moment, and I'm studying in Japan for the year which is a) frightening and b) 12 hours time-diff away. But, I'll be visiting against next year if all goes well, and we've been through enough to stick it out, I'm sure.

To summarise, I , more than she'll ever know, and I want her to know that...well...I've said it all before. The email about the meaning of 'I love you' said it all, DiA.

Thank you for everything.